Hardly Ever There

Therefore whosoever heareth these saying of Mine,and doeth them, I will liken him
unto a wise man, who built his house upon a rock: and the rain descended, and the
rivers came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it
was founded upon a rock.  (Matt. 7:24-25)

   I call it blind certainties. The times when one feels he is certain of his whereabouts but unsure of where his mind is wandering. Sometimes I feel so sure about what I want to do on a particular day yet ends up going back home with just as much "to dos" as I had envisioned at daybreak. In the matter of emotional disposition, one can be experiencing a state of happiness  and yet not finding where it is sourced from. Life sometimes takes me to moments seemingly serene, however, inexplicably internally noisy. It is an awkward feeling. A major contrast. Subtle opposites. Inconspicuously deceitful and a make believe. Pretty much like hiding fears behind beer bottles or bloating egos over cowardliness. Or puffing smoke from cigarettes to hide a weary face. Even sporting huge fake smiles or blurting big matter-of-factly Yeses to mime the "i don't knows". It is unreal. All of it are.
   When times like this happens, it's easy to be gullible. One can be an easy prey for lurking predators, people who take advantage at the slightest hint of weakness in others. I have seen people yield to not too reasonable requests simply because he/she couldn't keep his ground. He knows he ought to say "No" to a "treat me for lunch" request for the sake of building some savings fund, but, he nonetheless, say "Yes" to please another. Women muster their edge at coercing men to say "Okay" at requests that are in fact insignificant just so they get what they want. We, on the other hand, quickly raise arms in surrender at the power of their slightest hip sway, hair toss, tempting grin, a meaningless touch, childish murmur, and inviting glance. Ahh women! They always seem to have our egos by the neck. But, humans as we are, everybody ought to know that most things do not come for free all the time. Everybody has motives. The predator-prey-predator cycle is as real as wake-work-sleep routine. Be careful not to fall too deep into it that you could end up scarred for life or challenge the odds too aggressively that consequences could blow hard back on you sourly.
    This is why people with a sense of purpose and a seasoned self-control is admirable. Others are just gifted to have it so naturally that they seem to breeze through life's hustle and bustle effortlessly. They are quick to organize and come up with a plan. Keen in prioritizing and recognizing the importance of an excellent decision. And strong in keeping the stand, willing to sacrifice temporary lusts and short-lived pleasures for a more rewarding end. Still, in reality, a big fraction of the world's population are challenged in this aspect which is why even if you may not have been born and raised valuing purpose and self-control, for as long as you give it a conscious effort to find and master it, you will be alright. It will become part of your habit in no time. Men and women who found it knew when to say "Yes" and what to say "Yes" to. They fearlessly and shamelessly say "No" when they have to. Pride, ego and emotions do not dictate their decisions.
    I am one of the many who struggle through mastering self-control and keeping the purpose in mind. Focus evades me and I find it very elusive. It is volatile too in the sense that when I do find it at own effort, I tend to lose it at the slightest noise. And the only circumstances I seem to have it are the times when my relationship with the Lord is okay. When it is broken, I kind of lose it and these are the times when I say "Yes" and "No" so aimlessly. So adrift that I tend to be blown so easily from side to side. People, society, norms take turns in making the decisions for me. And when these elements go crazy and wild, I am caught in a limbo, and walk the world mindlessly and heartlessly. Such a pitiful disposition to be in.
    God is my direction. Without Him, everything is a question. If you take him away from life's formula, it would seem like you are part of a big community, but, hardly ever there.
    Live life with meaning and purpose.